Surrogacy comes with a lot of new terminology and abbreviations. If you’re just starting out, it might feel like people are speaking a different language! Don’t worry – we’ve got you covered. Below are 10 key surrogacy terms you should know. Understanding these will help you feel more confident and informed as you navigate the surrogacy journey.
Gestational Surrogate (Gestational Carrier, “GC”) – A woman who carries and gives birth to a baby for someone else, without using her own egg. In gestational surrogacy, the embryo is created via IVF from the intended parent(s)’ genetic material (or donors) and does not include the surrogate’s eggs. This means the surrogate has no biological relation to the child she carries. The term “gestational carrier” is often used by professionals to emphasize this distinction. Almost all modern surrogacy in the U.S. is gestational surrogacy. americansurrogacy.com.
Traditional Surrogate (TS) – A woman who serves as a surrogate and uses her own egg to conceive. In traditional surrogacy, the surrogate is the biological mother of the child because her egg is fertilized (often via artificial insemination with the intended father’s sperm). This method is far less common today due to the added legal and emotional complexity of the surrogate being genetically related to the baby. Nearly all agencies (including Stork Connections) facilitate gestational surrogacy instead, to ensure clear legal parentage for the intended parents.
Intended Parents (IPs) – The person or couple who cannot carry a pregnancy and are having a child via surrogacy. They are the ones who intend to be the baby’s parent(s) and will raise the child. Intended parents may be a couple struggling with infertility, a same-sex couple, or a single parent. You might see “IM” for Intended Mother and “IF” for Intended Father, but “IP” usually refers to both or either parent. These are the individuals for whom the surrogate is carrying the baby, and they become the legal parents when the baby is born.
Surrogacy Agency – An organization that coordinates the surrogacy process for both surrogates and intended parents. A surrogacy agency (like Stork Connections) helps match surrogates with intended parents and provides support every step of the way. Agencies typically screen potential surrogates and intended parents, facilitate legal and psychological evaluations, coordinate with fertility clinics, and guide everyone through the journey. Working with an agency can make the complex process of surrogacy much smoother and more secure for all parties. (Some people choose independent surrogacy without an agency, but that requires the parties to handle all arrangements and legalities on their own.)
Egg Donor – A woman who donates her eggs for use in fertility treatments. In many surrogacy journeys, especially if the intended mother is unable to use her own eggs, an egg donor’s eggs are fertilized to create the embryos. The surrogate then carries an embryo created with the egg donor’s egg (and typically the intended father’s or a sperm donor’s sperm). Egg donors undergo a medical process to retrieve their eggs and typically remain anonymous (though some intended parents and donors have a known arrangement). Donor eggs make it possible for intended parents to have a child even if the intended mother cannot produce viable eggs.
IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) – A medical process central to gestational surrogacy. “In vitro fertilization” means fertilization “in glass,” i.e. in a lab dish. In IVF, doctors collect eggs from the intended mother or an egg donor and sperm from the intended father or a sperm donor, then fertilize the egg with the sperm in the laboratory to create embryos. One (or sometimes two) healthy embryo(s) is then selected to transfer into the surrogate’s uterus. IVF allows embryos to form outside the body so that a surrogate can carry a child that is not genetically hers.
Embryo Transfer – The procedure of placing an embryo into the surrogate’s uterus in hopes of achieving pregnancy. This is a key milestone in the surrogacy process. Before transfer, the surrogate’s body is prepared with medications to ensure her uterus is ready to accept the embryo. The transfer itself is a quick, typically painless procedure done at a fertility clinic. After embryo transfer, everyone waits about 10–14 days to find out if implantation was successful and the surrogate is pregnant. That pregnancy test, often called the “beta” (for the beta hCG hormone level check), is an eagerly awaited moment for both the surrogate and intended parents.
Surrogacy Contract (Legal Agreement) – The detailed legal contract between the intended parent(s) and the surrogate, drawn up before pregnancy (and before any medications or embryo transfer begins). This contract outlines everyone’s rights and responsibilities. It covers things like the surrogate’s compensation and expenses, agreements on medical decisions (for example, how many embryos to transfer, views on selective reduction or C-section), confidentiality, and what happens in various unlikely scenarios. The surrogacy contract protects all parties and ensures that everyone is on the same page. Both the surrogate and intended parents will have their own lawyers to review and sign the agreement. This document is crucial for a legally secure surrogacy journey.
Pre-Birth Order (PBO) – A court order obtained during the pregnancy (typically in the second or third trimester) that legally establishes the intended parent(s) as the baby’s parents before birth. A pre-birth order means that when the baby is born, the intended parents’ names go directly on the birth certificate. This is common in surrogacy-friendly states like California. If a pre-birth order isn’t available (laws vary by state), there are similar legal processes right after birth (often called a Post-Birth Order or a parentage order) to ensure the surrogate does not have parental rights and the intended parents do. The goal is to make legal parenthood clear and official as soon as possible. Your surrogacy agency and attorney will guide you through this step based on your state’s laws. reproductivepossibilities.com
Surrogate Compensation – The financial compensation a surrogate receives for carrying and delivering the baby. In a compensated surrogacy (which is standard in many U.S. states), the surrogate is paid a base compensation for her service, often distributed in monthly installments throughout the pregnancy. Additionally, all pregnancy-related expenses are covered by the intended parents (such as medical bills, maternity clothes, travel costs, and often an allowance for things like housekeeping during the third trimester). The exact amount and terms are agreed upon in the surrogacy contract. Compensation is typically handled via an escrow account or through the agency to ensure the funds are managed properly. Some surrogacies, called altruistic surrogacies, involve no compensation (the surrogate volunteers her help, usually just with expenses covered), but in the U.S. many surrogates do receive a fair and agreed-upon payment as recognition for the time, effort, and risks involved in pregnancy.
By getting familiar with these terms, you’re well on your way to understanding the surrogacy process better. There’s a lot to learn, but you don’t have to figure it all out at once. Keep this glossary handy as a reference, and remember that the team at Stork Connections is always here to answer questions. Surrogacy might seem full of technical terms, but at its heart it’s about people helping people to create families. With a bit of knowledge, you’ll feel ready and empowered for the journey ahead!
"Dear Surrogate..." – An Open Letter from an Intended Parent
Dear Surrogate,
I’m not sure words can ever fully express the depth of gratitude and love I have for you – but I’m going to try. You have given us a gift that reaches beyond measure, and my heart is overflowing with thankfulness every time I think about what you’ve done for our family.
Not long ago, becoming a parent felt like an impossible dream for us. After years of heartbreak, doctor’s appointments, and prayers that went unanswered, we were beginning to lose hope. The idea of holding our own baby in our arms was slipping away. Then you came into our lives – like a ray of sunshine breaking through the darkest clouds. From the moment we first spoke, your warmth and kindness started to heal wounds we’d carried for so long. You offered not just your body to carry our child, but your heart and encouragement as well.
I remember the day we found out that the embryo transfer was successful – that we were pregnant (I still catch myself saying “we,” because you always made us feel included in the journey). I cried tears of joy and relief, knowing that our dream was finally on its way to coming true. Over the months, you became so much more than “our surrogate.” You became a treasured friend, an honorary part of our family. You shared every update – each ultrasound picture, each little kick – with such genuine happiness, as if the baby were your own relative and not ours. That level of care and excitement from you meant the world to us; it kept us going through the anxious days of waiting.
I know it wasn’t easy. You endured the nauseous mornings, the swollen ankles, the countless injections and doctor visits, all on our behalf. You balanced your own family, work, and life while also carrying our precious baby so gracefully. Not once did you complain to us. Instead, you always reassured us: “Baby is doing great! Don’t worry.” Your selflessness and positive spirit gave us comfort and confidence when we sometimes felt helpless, being unable to carry the pregnancy ourselves.
And then came the moment that forever changed our lives – the day our baby was born. I will never forget the look on your face as you handed our newborn to us. You were smiling through tears (oh, we all were!), and in that moment I felt such an overwhelming rush of joy, relief, and gratitude. It’s a scene I replay in my mind often: you gently placing our little one into my arms, almost like you were saying, “Here is your baby, Mama.” It was the most profound, beautiful moment of my life. You made that possible. Because of you, I got to become a mother. Because of you, my husband and I are finally a mommy and daddy, and our hearts are complete.
How do I begin to thank you for that? You didn’t just carry a baby; you carried our hopes and dreams and made them real. You gave us a part of your life for nine months so that we could have the rest of our lives with our child. That kind of generosity is rare and extraordinary. You have a permanent place in our family’s story, and in our hearts. We promise that our child will grow up knowing about the incredible woman who brought them into the world out of pure kindness. We’ll tell them that an angel named [Your Name] helped us when we couldn’t do it on our own, and that she did it out of love.
I also want to thank your family – your spouse, your kids, everyone who stood by you so you could help us. We know that surrogacy is a team effort, and your whole family’s support made a difference. Please let them know that we are grateful to them as well, for sharing you with us during this time.
Above all, I want you to know this: you are amazing. You have given us a gift that we can never repay, except by cherishing our child and raising them in the love that you helped create. Every giggle, every milestone, every bedtime story – I will think of the path that brought us here and say a silent “thank you” to you. In a way, you’ll always be part of our family – not biologically, but through something just as powerful: love and gratitude.
From the bottom of our hearts, thank you. Thank you for giving us the chance to become parents. Thank you for your compassion, your strength, and your grace. Our lives are forever changed because of you.
With love and endless appreciation,
A Grateful Intended Mother (on behalf of our whole family)
The Emotional Journey of Being a Surrogate
Becoming a surrogate is often described as one of the most rewarding experiences a person can undertake – but it’s not without its emotional ups and downs. From the first moments of considering surrogacy to long after the baby is born, a surrogate goes through a wide range of feelings. If you’re thinking about becoming a surrogate or are already on that path, it helps to know what the emotional journey might look like. While everyone’s story is unique, there are common stages and emotions many surrogates share. Through it all, the thread that ties the journey together is a deep sense of purpose, compassion, and ultimately joy in helping create a family. Let’s walk through the typical emotional journey of being a surrogate, step by step.
Deciding to Become a Surrogate: Hope, Excitement, and a Few Jitters
The journey often begins with a calling – a feeling in your heart that you want to help someone else have a child. Surrogates usually decide to do this because they love being mothers themselves and want to give that joy to others. You might feel excited and inspired imagining the moment you could hand a baby to parents who have been longing for a child. Many prospective surrogates also feel a mix of nerves and questions at this stage: “Is this the right choice for me and my family? How will this work?” It’s normal to have concerns. Common worries include how pregnancy might affect your own kids or job, and whether you’ll truly be able to part with the baby at birth.
Researching and talking to a reputable surrogacy agency can provide reassurance. You’ll learn that most agencies require surrogates to have already had at least one child of their own and have a stable life, which helps ensure you’re emotionally prepared for this journey.
As you move from the decision into the screening process, the initial jitters often turn into determination. You feel strongly about why you’re doing this – to help another family – and that purpose gives you confidence. By the time you are approved to be a surrogate and are ready to match with intended parents, you’re likely feeling mostly excitement with just a few butterflies of anticipation.
Matching with the Intended Parents: Connection and Purpose
One of the most emotional moments early on is being matched with the intended parent(s). This is when you and a hopeful parent or couple decide to partner together for this surrogacy journey. It can feel a bit like an awkward first date combined with a job interview – after all, you’re essentially choosing to team up for one of life’s most intimate experiences! It’s completely normal to feel nervous before meeting the intended parents. You might wonder, “Will they like me? Will I like them? What if we don’t click?” These worries usually fade quickly once you meet and realize you share the same dream.
Many surrogates describe the match meeting as heartwarming and validating. You get to see the faces of the people whose baby you hope to carry, and often their gratitude and hope are palpable. It’s common to feel empathy and protectiveness toward them right away. For example, if they’ve struggled with infertility or other challenges, you might feel a surge of determination: I really want to help this couple become parents. After a successful match, surrogates often feel a renewed sense of purpose. There’s excitement (“I can’t wait to get started!”) and also a serious commitment (“This just got real. I’m going to do everything I can to make this work.”).
You might also feel relief if you worried you wouldn’t match – now you have partners on this journey who appreciate you. Building a rapport with the intended parents starts here. Whether you exchange frequent texts or have occasional calls, most surrogates and intended parents begin forming a friendly bond that will only grow throughout the pregnancy. This connection is a source of emotional support for both sides. Surrogates often feel comforted knowing how much the intended parents care about her well-being, not just the pregnancy. Likewise, the intended parents feel grateful beyond words, which can be very uplifting to a surrogate. Overall, the matching stage is usually filled with positive feelings of connection, empathy, and a strong sense of “Alright, let’s do this together!”
Preparing for Pregnancy: Medications and Mixed Emotions
Before a surrogate can become pregnant, there’s a period of medical preparation. This phase can bring its own emotional challenges. You’ll likely begin fertility medications (like hormone injections) to prepare your body for the embryo transfer. Not many people love shots and medications, so it’s okay if you feel anxious about this part. You might be nervous about giving yourself injections or worried about side effects. There can also be a bit of impatience – after all the waiting and paperwork, you’re eager to actually get pregnant and start carrying the baby.
During this stage, support is crucial. Many surrogates find strength in remembering why they’re doing this and in leaning on the support of their surrogacy agency, spouse/partner, or friends. Some intended parents send little care packages or notes of encouragement during the lead-up to transfer, which can be a beautiful reminder of the bigger picture. Emotionally, the medication phase might make you feel a little moody (hormones can do that to anyone!). You could have days where you feel stressed or doubt yourself – “What if the embryo transfer doesn’t work? I don’t want to let the parents down.” These feelings are normal. Every surrogate hopes so dearly for a successful pregnancy, sometimes it’s easy to put pressure on yourself. Try to remember that outcomes aren’t fully in anyone’s control; all you can do is follow the doctors’ instructions and stay positive. Many surrogates talk with their intended parents about these hopes and fears, and often find that openness brings everyone closer.
When transfer day finally arrives, you’ll likely feel a mix of excitement and nerves. This is the big moment everyone’s been working toward. During the embryo transfer procedure, some surrogates say they felt surprisingly calm and hopeful – it can be a very special moment, thinking about the potential new life about to begin. After the transfer, there’s a notorious two-week wait before you can take a pregnancy test (the “beta” blood test). Those days might feel emotionally intense. You’ll be hyper-aware of every twinge, wondering “Am I pregnant?” You might feel hopeful one minute and worried the next. Surrogates often describe this waiting period as one of the hardest parts emotionally, because so much is riding on that result. This is when staying busy and having support helps the time pass.
Finally, when the call comes with the test result, you’ll feel your heart race. If it’s positive, expect a rush of joy and relief – possibly one of the highest highs of the journey. Many surrogates say hearing “You’re pregnant!” and sharing that news with the intended parents was an incredibly happy, tear-filled moment. If the result is negative (meaning the transfer didn’t lead to pregnancy), it can be heartbreaking. Surrogates often feel sadness not just for themselves but more so for the intended parents, worrying that they’ve disappointed them (even though it’s nobody’s fault). It’s normal to grieve a failed cycle or lost pregnancy, yet most surrogates find renewed hope to try again, knowing success often comes on a subsequent attempt. With support and determination, you gear up to move forward. Every attempt, whether immediate or after a little break, starts with that central motivation: giving the intended parents the baby they dream of.
Pregnancy as a Surrogate: Joys, Bonds, and Navigating Challenges
Once the pregnancy is confirmed and growing, a new chapter of the emotional journey begins. For most surrogates, this is a very joyful time. You’re pregnant – but unlike when you carried your own children, you have a unique perspective. You know from the start this isn’t my baby, which often brings a sense of freedom and focus. You get to experience the fun parts of pregnancy (feeling kicks, watching the bump grow, maybe enjoying those extra cravings!) without the long-term responsibility of a newborn to bring home. Many surrogates feel pure happiness at each milestone, because they are imagining how thrilled the intended parents are. For example, hearing the baby’s heartbeat for the first time or seeing an ultrasound image might bring tears to your eyes – not because you feel the baby is yours, but because you know the parents are one step closer to meeting their child. It’s like you’re carrying hope and happiness for someone else, and that feels incredibly fulfilling.
During the pregnancy, surrogates often develop a strong bond with the intended parents. Emotions of friendship, protectiveness, and mutual trust deepen. You might text them after every doctor’s appointment to share updates, or they might come with you to big appointments like the 20-week anatomy scan. Some surrogates make a scrapbook or keep a journal for the baby’s parents, documenting the pregnancy so they can later show their child. Including the parents in these moments helps them feel connected, and it reassures you that the baby you’re carrying is already so loved by their family. That sense of being a team often makes the surrogate feel emotionally supported too – you know the parents care about your well-being and appreciate you deeply.
Of course, pregnancy isn’t all smooth sailing. As a surrogate, you’ll face the normal physical symptoms – morning sickness, fatigue, aches and pains – and those can affect your mood. It’s normal to have days when you feel a bit down or overwhelmed. Perhaps you’re exhausted from chasing your own kids while being pregnant, or you’re missing your morning coffee, or simply dealing with hormone-fueled emotions. On those days, some surrogates feel a tinge of guilt complaining at all, because they know how badly the intended parents wish they could be the one feeling those kicks or even that nausea. You might remind yourself, “I signed up for this, I can handle it.” Remember, you’re human, and it’s okay to voice your feelings to your support network (your partner, close friends, or a surrogacy support group). Having a good cry on a tough day doesn’t mean you regret being a surrogate – it just means pregnancy is hard sometimes!
Another emotional aspect unique to being a surrogate is handling outside reactions. You might get well-meaning people asking, “Oh, you’re expecting! Is it a boy or girl? When are you due?” and then face the decision whether to explain, “Actually, I’m a surrogate.” Many surrogates feel pride in explaining their role, but occasionally you might not be in the mood for the follow-up questions. Some days you might just smile and answer the basics to strangers without detailing the surrogacy. Other days, you might gladly share, and you often get heartfelt responses like, “Wow, that’s amazing of you!” However, unfortunately, you might also encounter an ignorant comment or two, like “I could never give up my baby like that.” Even though such comments can sting, surrogates usually handle them with grace, knowing the baby was never theirs to begin with. If anything, comments like that can reinforce your confidence, because you know in your heart how you feel: you’re not “giving up” a baby; you’re giving back the baby to their rightful parents. In fact, many surrogates report not feeling the same kind of attachment as they did with their own pregnancies, precisely because they always viewed it as helping someone else’s child grow.
Emotionally, the later part of pregnancy often brings a mix of eagerness and a bit of wistfulness. You might be counting down to the due date with excitement to see the parents meet their baby. You might also savor those last weeks of feeling the little one’s kicks, knowing this special journey is approaching its end. It’s common to have occasional thoughts like, “Wow, in a few weeks this baby will be with their family and I’ll go back to normal life.” That can bring pride and maybe a touch of anxiety about the big day ahead (labor and delivery can be daunting even when it’s not your baby). Overall, the emotional tone during the pregnancy phase is often very positive and empowered. You feel involved in something meaningful. You likely feel supported – by the agency, the intended parents, and hopefully your own friends/family. And every flutter or hiccup you feel reminds you of the beautiful goal at the end of the journey.
The Birth: A Powerful Moment of Joy and Achievement
As the birth draws near, it’s normal for a surrogate to experience a swirl of emotions. There’s the usual pre-labor nerves (no one loves contractions, and you might worry about how smoothly the delivery will go). There’s also excitement and a sense of culmination – the big day is almost here! Many surrogates also feel very focused on the intended parents’ arrival and involvement: “I hope the parents can get here in time. I can’t wait to see their faces when they see their baby.” If your intended parents are coming from out of town, you might feel some anxiety around timing. Communication is key; typically plans are in place so everyone is ready to go when you say, “It’s time!”
When labor begins or you head to the hospital for a scheduled induction/C-section, you might feel surprisingly calm and determined. Surrogates often express that during labor they stayed focused on the happy outcome awaiting the parents. Knowing that this is the moment everyone’s been working toward can be incredibly motivating. Of course, labor is hard work, and there may be moments of doubt or pain where you need support – that’s normal for any birth. Having the intended parents in the delivery room (if that’s what you all agreed on) can be very encouraging. Many surrogates say seeing the intended mother or father’s excitement gave them extra strength through contractions.
And then, the magical moment arrives: the baby is born! The room fills with newborn cries and tears of joy. For a surrogate, this moment is often indescribably fulfilling. You might feel a huge rush of relief that the baby is here and healthy, and that you did it! You helped bring a new life into the world for someone else. Watching the intended parents hold their baby for the first time is a memory most surrogates cherish forever. It’s common to feel overwhelming joy and pride as you witness their dream come true right in front of you. Often there’s not a dry eye in the room – everyone knows they’ve experienced something profound. People often ask, “How can a surrogate give the baby away after birth?” but surrogates themselves describe that moment not as giving away, but giving back. You are handing the baby to their parents, exactly as you’ve envisioned all along. Many surrogates say this is the moment they were most excited for – to see Mom and Dad finally snuggle their little one.
There may be a sense of completion that comes over you, a happiness that is so pure because it’s about someone else’s joy. Some surrogates say they even surprised hospital staff by being all smiles and not showing sadness. One surrogate beautifully explained that she felt like she’d been babysitting the baby for nine months, and now she was joyfully “returning” the baby to the parents. americansurrogacy.com
That doesn’t mean the moment isn’t emotional – it certainly is! You might cry, but they are usually tears of happiness and relief. In that delivery room, you might also feel a deep bond with the intended parents – a shared moment that will forever connect you. Many surrogates and parents hug, exchange heartfelt words, or simply lock eyes with immense gratitude. It’s a peak experience that can reaffirm why you chose to become a surrogate in the first place. You may feel proud, exhausted, elated, and perhaps a little overwhelmed all at once. If you have your own kids, you might also be thinking about them – perhaps eager to tell them “It’s done! The baby is with their mom and dad now.” Some surrogates worry whether they’ll feel a sense of loss at birth. It’s possible to feel a twinge of sadness that this chapter is ending or just from the sheer intensity of the moment. But for most gestational surrogates, the predominant feeling at birth is triumph and happiness. After all, this is what you worked so hard for, and it’s a beautiful success. Even so, you’ll likely need some time to process everything that happened – which leads into the post-birth emotions.
Postpartum and Beyond: Healing, Reflection, and Pride
After the baby is born and placed into their parents’ loving arms, the surrogate’s job is essentially done – but the emotional journey isn’t over quite yet. The first few days and weeks postpartum can be a bit of a rollercoaster as your body and hormones adjust back to non-pregnancy mode. Physically, you’re recovering from childbirth, which can be tiring and uncomfortable. Emotionally, a lot is going on: you might be getting used to not being pregnant anymore (no more baby kicks – it can feel strangely quiet!), and you’re also adjusting to the fact that the journey you’ve been focused on for months has concluded. It’s completely normal for a surrogate to experience some “postpartum blues” – feelings of sadness or emptiness – in the days after birth. This isn’t usually because you regret the surrogacy or miss the baby as your baby. Often, it’s the result of hormonal shifts and the natural low that can follow such a big high. For so many months, you had a goal and were full of purpose. After delivery, life might suddenly feel a bit still, and your role changes back to normal. Many surrogates also say they do miss the connection with the intended parents being so day-to-day; you spent months sharing updates and excitement, and now the journey is complete, which can feel like saying goodbye to a close friend. All these feelings are valid.
The good news is, they are usually temporary and mild. Studies have found that while surrogates may find the early weeks after birth challenging, they typically do not experience any lasting psychological problems 6 months or a year later. pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov
In fact, most surrogates recover emotionally and physically just as women do after any birth, and many report feeling a great sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. To navigate the postpartum phase, it helps to have a strong support system. Staying in touch with the intended parents (if all parties are comfortable with that) can be reassuring – after all, you care about how the baby is doing, and hearing that the family is thriving often brings you joy and closure. Many surrogates love getting a photo or update about the baby; it reminds you that this was the happy ending you worked towards. At the same time, it’s important to shift focus back to your own life and family. Enjoy some rest (you earned it!), and do something nice for yourself as you heal. Often, the surrogate’s family is very proud and supportive; your children might brag at school that “Mom helped another family have a baby,” and your partner might pamper you a bit extra, recognizing the amazing thing you’ve done. science.gov
As weeks turn into months, most surrogates find themselves settling back into normal life with a new sense of pride. You might feel a boost in self-esteem – you accomplished something truly special that few people get to do. Many surrogates describe the experience of seeing the intended parents with their baby as addictive in the best way, which is why some choose to do multiple surrogate journeys (with careful consideration for their own health and family, of course). Whether or not you decide to be a surrogate again, you carry the knowledge that you have changed a family’s life forever. That feeling doesn’t fade.
In the long term, surrogacy often becomes a treasured part of your identity. It’s a story you will tell over and over – to friends, to new acquaintances, maybe to your grandchildren someday. You’ll remember the emotions, the challenges, and the incredible payoff with fondness. Many former surrogates say they remain in touch with their intended families in some form – perhaps exchanging holiday cards or the occasional email. Every time you see a picture of that child you helped bring into the world, you’ll likely feel a warm glow knowing you had a hand in that miracle. And if your contact naturally fades over time, that’s okay too; the inner pride remains.
In reflecting on being a surrogate, most women sum it up as a journey of deep personal reward. Yes, there were hard moments – shots, morning sickness, labor pain, emotional ups and downs – but these are far outweighed by the knowledge that you gave an incredible gift. One study of surrogates years after their experience found that surrogacy remained something they were very proud of, a positive part of their identity.
Many surrogates say it’s one of the achievements in life they’re most proud of. And it’s not just pride – there’s also growth. You might find you’ve become more patient, more compassionate, or more confident in what you can handle.
In conclusion, the emotional journey of being a surrogate is a tapestry of many feelings – empathy, excitement, anxiety, joy, and fulfillment. There are highs that will make your heart soar, and a few lows that you’ll overcome with support and self-care. But at the end of the road, most surrogates agree that the experience is worth every bit of it. The moment you see a family created, a baby in the arms of loving parents who might never have had this chance without you, it all comes into perspective. You realize that you were the bridge that helped get them there. That is a powerful, beautiful realization – one that continues to bring happiness long after the journey’s end. If you are a surrogate or thinking of becoming one, remember that your emotions are valid each step of the way. Take care of yourself, lean on the resources and friends available, and take pride in the amazing role you’re playing. The path isn’t always easy, but it is profoundly meaningful – truly an emotional journey like no other, with the priceless reward of knowing you helped make a dream come true.
The Emotional Journey of Intended Parents: From Hope to Holding Your Baby
For intended parents, the road to having a baby through surrogacy is paved with big emotions. It’s a journey that often begins in heartbreak and uncertainty, but can lead to immense hope and joy. If you’re an intended parent (or considering becoming one), you’ve likely already been through a lot – perhaps years of infertility struggles, or the realization that pregnancy isn’t possible for you. Choosing surrogacy is a courageous step, filled with both relief and new worries: Will this work? How will it feel to have someone else carry our child? Rest assured, you are not alone in these feelings. The path from the moment you pin your hopes on surrogacy to the moment you finally hold your baby is an emotional rollercoaster with some predictable highs and lows. Here, we’ll walk through the emotional journey of intended parents, from the early days of deciding on surrogacy all the way to that beautiful moment of holding your long-awaited baby in your arms.
From Heartbreak to Hope: Deciding on Surrogacy
Every intended parent’s story is unique, but many share a common thread: by the time you consider surrogacy, you’ve likely faced some heartbreak. You might be one of the 1 in 8 couples who experience infertility, having gone through failed IVF cycles or miscarriages. Or perhaps you’re a single person or a same-sex couple who always knew you’d need an alternative path to parenthood. Regardless of the circumstances, reaching the decision to use a surrogate often comes with mixed emotions. On one hand, there’s relief and renewed hope. Surrogacy offers a real chance to have the baby you’ve been longing for, often with a biological connection to you or your partner. It can feel like a door opening after many have closed. On the other hand, there can be grief and guilt lingering from what came before. Many intended mothers, for example, mourn the loss of being able to carry their child themselves. You might feel guilty or “less than” because you need help to have a baby – these feelings are common, but please remember that needing help is nothing to be ashamed of. You might also worry about the unknowns: How will we find the right surrogate? Can we trust someone with such an important job? These anxieties are normal as you shift from one chapter (trying on your own) to another (surrogacy).
Deciding on surrogacy often means rediscovering hope. Perhaps for the first time in a long while, you allow yourself to imagine a nursery, to think about baby names, to feel genuinely excited about the future. That little spark of hope is incredibly powerful – it’s what carries you through the next steps. Alongside hope, though, don’t be surprised if you carry some protective caution. Many intended parents hesitate to get “too excited” initially, in case they face more disappointments. It’s okay to feel this push-pull of hope and fear. Surrogacy is a leap of faith, and it’s natural to step forward carefully.
Once you connect with a surrogacy agency or program, the emotion that often emerges is determination. Now you have professionals guiding you, and a plan forming. There’s paperwork, medical evaluations, legal consultations – having these concrete steps can actually ease some anxiety, because things are moving forward. You might feel empowered: “We’re really doing this.” At the same time, every form you fill and doctor you see might make it all more real, which can be both exciting and nerve-wracking. One fear that may surface around this time is, “What if the surrogate changes her mind and keeps the baby?” or “What if we go through all this and something goes wrong?” These are understandable worries. Learning about how surrogacy works can help alleviate them. For instance, in gestational surrogacy, the surrogate has no genetic tie to the baby and, by law, she won’t have parental rights – a pre-birth parentage order will establish you as the legal parent(s). americansurrogacy.com
Surrogates also go through thorough screening and genuinely want to help you, not take your child. Knowing these facts can calm the fear and allow you to focus on the positive what-ifs: “What if this actually works? Imagine that moment we finally have our baby!”
In summary, the decision phase is an emotional mix: sorrow from the past, hope for the future, fear of the unknown, and courage to try a new path. Give yourself grace during this time. It’s okay to mourn what you’ve lost while also feeling optimistic about what lies ahead. Surrogacy is the bridge from heartbreak to the happiness you’ve been dreaming of, and once you decide to cross it, you’re already on your way to a new chapter filled with possibility.
Meeting Your Surrogate: Trust and Connection
One of the most pivotal emotional moments in your journey is when you meet the woman who may carry your baby. This meeting (often called a “match meeting”) can be exhilarating and nerve-wracking all at once. Think about it: you’re essentially being set up on one of the most important partnerships of your life! It’s completely normal to feel butterflies in your stomach beforehand. You might worry, “Will she like us? Will we like her? How do we even start this conversation?”
Take a deep breath – the surrogate is likely just as nervous and eager to make a good impression on you. At the end of the day, both sides want the same thing: a healthy baby and a positive journey. Many intended parents find that once the meeting begins, a lot of their anxiety melts away. You’ll probably find plenty to talk about: your stories, your hopes for this journey, maybe even light-hearted topics like favorite movies or hobbies. If you’re meeting virtually (by video call) or in person, you might be surprised by how quickly an emotional connection begins to form.
A common feeling at this stage is profound gratitude. Hearing the surrogate talk about why she wants to help someone have a family can be incredibly touching. You realize this is a compassionate, strong, and kind person who is willing to carry your child – it can almost feel surreal. Many intended parents become emotional (and yes, tears might flow) when a surrogate says something like, “It would be my honor to help you become parents.” It’s the moment you begin to really trust that this journey might lead to a baby in your arms.
Another emotion you might experience is hope mixed with caution. Matching with a surrogate makes everything feel more real and hopeful than ever. You finally have a partner, someone “on your team,” ready to work with you to bring your baby into the world. That can be energizing and joyful. Yet, if you’ve been burned by previous failed treatments, you might still hold a little piece of your heart back, afraid to fully believe it will work this time. That’s okay – trust often builds gradually. With each positive interaction with your surrogate, you’ll likely feel that protective wall coming down.
During the early relationship-building, communication is key. Most intended parents feel a mix of relief and anxiety when the match is confirmed. Relief because you’ve cleared a huge hurdle – you have a surrogate! Anxiety because now the process (medicals, legal, etc.) gets real. It helps to establish open communication and boundaries with your surrogate from the get-go. Talk about expectations: How often will we communicate? What things are important to each of us? For example, you might really hope to attend all major doctor appointments, or want weekly updates. Sharing these desires and hearing the surrogate’s comfort level helps set a foundation of trust. When you see that she’s willing to include you and you, in turn, respect her needs, a sense of teamwork blossoms. You may start to feel a genuine friendship forming, which can be a wonderful and unexpected bonus of surrogacy.
It’s also normal to feel concern for the surrogate. Many intended parents are surprised at how much they worry about their surrogate’s well-being. After all, she’s about to do something major for you. It’s a good sign if you find yourself caring about her as a person, not just as a “surrogate.” That empathy will strengthen your bond. Along with that, some intended parents feel an odd guilt (“I hate that someone else has to go through injections and pregnancy for us”) – this again is normal, but remember, your surrogate chose this journey happily. She wants to do this and likely doesn’t view it as you imposing on her; she likely feels honored and excited to help.
By the time all the agreements are signed and you’re officially matched and moving forward, many intended parents feel a peaceful sense of confidence. You have your team assembled – the surrogate, the agency, doctors, lawyers – and you’re all aligned in the same mission. That realization can bring a wave of calm: you’re no longer alone in your quest for a baby. You have people in your corner who understand and share your goal. And perhaps for the first time, you can envision things working out. You might allow yourself to start planning for a baby, cautiously thinking about a nursery or picking out a name. Trust is building – both in your surrogate and in the process itself. It’s a beautiful turning point where fear starts to loosen its grip, making more room for optimism and trust.
Navigating the Pregnancy: Longing, Support, and Preparation
Once the medical process gets underway – the IVF, the embryo transfer, and finally a confirmed pregnancy – you enter the next big phase of the emotional journey: the surrogate’s pregnancy, which is essentially your baby’s pregnancy. This phase is unique because you have all the emotions of an expectant parent, yet you’re not the one physically carrying the baby. For many intended parents, especially intended mothers, these months are a complex mix of joy, anticipation, anxiety, and even some wistfulness.
When you hear the news that your surrogate is pregnant (likely after an agonizing two-week wait post-embryo-transfer), the emotion that hits is often overwhelming joy and relief. You might cry tears of happiness, hug your partner, or just sit in shock that it’s finally happening. After so many setbacks, to hear “We’re pregnant” (through your surrogate) is like feeling the sun break through the clouds. This is often one of the happiest moments up to that point. You may also feel deeply grateful to your surrogate and the medical team for making this possible. Many intended parents describe it as a huge weight lifted off their shoulders – at least one big hurdle is crossed.
As the pregnancy progresses, you’ll likely feel excitement and hope growing. Every ultrasound picture the surrogate sends, every update (“baby is kicking a lot today!”) is like a treasure. If you’re local to your surrogate, you might attend appointments and get to hear the heartbeat in person – an experience that can bring you to tears. If you’re long-distance, maybe you join via video call or get a recording of the heartbeat. These moments make it real: your baby is on the way! You might start preparing your home – painting the nursery, buying tiny clothes, lining up parental leave from work. Doing these typical parent-to-be tasks can be very therapeutic and fun, finally getting to experience the things you’ve dreamed about.
However, alongside the excitement, anxiety can be a steady companion during the pregnancy. It’s completely natural to worry about the health of the baby and the surrogate. After all, you probably worried during any past pregnancies as well – and this time, you might feel even less in control, since you’re not the one feeling the baby’s movements or able to immediately know if something’s wrong. You are essentially trusting someone else with your most precious cargo, and that can be nerve-wracking. Many intended parents find themselves jumping at every text notification, hoping it’s not bad news. You might feel particularly on edge around the times of important scans or tests (like the first trimester screening or anatomy scan). These milestones can bring back that old fear: “What if we get bad news? We’ve come so far, please let everything be okay.” It’s important to communicate with your surrogate about these feelings; chances are, she’s mindful of your anxiety and will try to reassure you by sharing updates frequently. Agencies also often facilitate regular check-ins. Some intended parents find it helpful to occupy their mind by reading pregnancy books or even going to therapy or support groups for intended parents, to talk through these perfectly understandable worries.
Another emotion that can surface, especially for intended mothers, is a sense of missing out or sadness about not carrying the pregnancy yourself. You might feel this acutely at certain moments – perhaps when the surrogate shares a video of the baby moving in her belly, or when friends around you are pregnant and experiencing all the belly-bumps and baby kicks firsthand. You might think, “I wish I could feel those kicks,” or “I should be the one having this baby.” These feelings do not make you ungrateful or any less of an intended parent; they simply reflect the grief over a pregnancy experience that you’re not having. It’s okay to acknowledge that. Many intended moms have a good cry at a baby shower or when they see a maternity photo shoot on social media – it’s normal. What’s important is to remember that your way of becoming a mother is just as valid and beautiful. You might not carry your baby in your womb, but you carry them in your heart every single day of that pregnancy. You are preparing for them, loving them, and that is what truly makes you Mom (or Dad).
Staying involved in the pregnancy can help ease the longing. Thankfully, surrogacy today encourages intended parents to be as involved as possible. You can attend medical appointments, plan a visit to feel the baby kick, or have regular video chats with your surrogate. Some intended parents send recordings of themselves reading a children’s book or singing, so the surrogate can play it to the baby (yes, the baby can hear voices in utero!). These actions not only help you feel closer to your baby, but also can start the bonding process early. americansurrogacy.com
You might feel a bit silly talking to a baby in someone else’s belly at first, but remember, that’s your baby in there, and your voice will become familiar and comforting to them. Surrogates are usually very happy to facilitate these connections – they know how important it is for you.
During the pregnancy, you’ll likely also feel immense gratitude and affection for your surrogate. Seeing her take care of herself and the baby, and go through the hard parts of pregnancy (morning sickness, tiredness, swollen feet) for your sake, can really deepen your appreciation. Many intended parents develop a deep bond with their surrogate, considering her a lifelong friend or even part of the family in some way. This emotional closeness can be a wonderful silver lining to the surrogacy experience – you’re not only gaining a child, but also a meaningful connection with the person who helped bring that child into the world.
As the due date draws near, excitement usually reaches a peak. You might also experience renewed anxiety as you approach the finish line – it can feel too good to be true, and you might worry something could still go wrong late in the game. This is often a reflection of the trauma or hardships you faced earlier; it’s hard to fully relax until that baby is safely in your arms. Be kind to yourself if you’re a bundle of nerves in the final weeks. You’re not alone – many intended parents say the last month was the hardest wait of all, because you know you’re so close. It might help to stay busy with final preparations: double-checking your hospital bag, making arrangements for travel if needed, ensuring all the baby gear is assembled. Also, have open talks with your surrogate and agency about the birth plan. Knowing how things are expected to go (which hospital, who will be in the delivery room, how you’ll be notified when labor starts) can give you a sense of control and calm some jitters.
Despite any lingering worries, allow yourself to embrace the joy that’s bubbling up. You might find you can’t stop daydreaming about holding your baby. You may feel a warmth in your heart every time you think of finally being a mom or dad after all you’ve been through. Some intended parents feel almost as if they are “nesting” emotionally – they might journal letters to the baby, finish up a photo album of the surrogacy journey to show the baby one day, or spend quiet moments in the nursery imagining the baby there. These small acts can be very healing, turning any remaining anxiety into positive anticipation.
Crucially, if you ever catch yourself thinking, “Will I really bond with the baby since I didn’t carry them?”, please remember: the love a parent has for their child is not born from carrying them in pregnancy, but from caring for them over a lifetime. Many intended mothers report that the minute they hold their baby, any worry about bonding vanishes, and they feel that fierce, protective, mama (or papa) bear love instantly.
Your baby will know you as their parent – the one who cuddles them, feeds them, soothes them – and that bond will be as strong as any. You might not have felt the kicks from inside, but you will feel that baby grasp your finger and gaze into your eyes, and in that moment everything you’ve done to get here will be worth it a million times over.
The Birth: From Anticipation to Pure Joy
The day you’ve been dreaming about and anxiously awaiting finally arrives – your baby’s birth day. This moment is the climax of your emotional journey, and it can be more intense and beautiful than words can capture. Leading up to the birth, you may feel a cocktail of emotions: excitement, anxiety, disbelief, and overwhelming hope. It’s the eve of everything you’ve wanted. If you have to travel to the surrogate’s location, the trip itself might be filled with jitters (“Please let us get there in time!”). Many intended parents can hardly sleep as the due date approaches, half expecting a midnight phone call that labor has started.
When the call or text actually comes – “We’re heading to the hospital!” – your adrenaline will surge. Some describe it as an out-of-body experience, grabbing the go-bag, rushing out the door, heart pounding with a mix of joy and nerves. If you’re at the hospital while your surrogate is in labor, you might feel helpless at times (after all, you can’t take away her pain or do the hard part for her). You’ll likely also feel deeply concerned for her well-being – it’s an odd situation where you are simultaneously like expectant parents in a delivery room and also cheering on someone giving birth. Many intended parents stand by with tremendous respect and gratitude for the surrogate as she does the work of labor. It can be emotional to witness – you realize fully how much she’s putting in to bring your baby safely into the world.
As the baby is about to be born, anticipation reaches its peak. You might be holding your breath, hands trembling, heart racing. This moment is so different from any previous ones because this time, you know a baby is coming. Not a maybe, not a wish – a real baby who is yours. And then it happens: the cry you’ve waited your whole life to hear. Your baby’s first cry. It’s a sound that unleashes a flood of emotion. You might burst into tears immediately – many intended parents do. Some are in stunned silence, unable to process that it’s real.
The first sight of your baby might feel like time stops. Perhaps the doctor or midwife places the baby in your arms seconds after birth, or maybe the baby is first handed to the surrogate briefly and then to you (every birth plan is different, but often surrogates want the baby straight to parents if possible). The moment you hold your baby for the first time is often described as pure magic. All the years of longing, all the tears, all the waiting – it all transforms into tears of joy. You might feel an immense sense of relief: we finally made it, the baby is here and safe. And an overwhelming feeling of love that washes over you. Some intended parents say they felt an instant connection, like “Yes, this is my child, I’d recognize them anywhere.” Others might feel shock and need a little time to fully wrap their head around it (which is okay too – love at first sight is common, but bonding can also grow naturally over hours or days).
One emotion that is universally reported is gratitude – towards your surrogate. In that delivery room, amid your own bliss, you’ll likely find yourself looking at your surrogate with profound thankfulness. You might hug her, cry with her, or be at a loss for words beyond “thank you, thank you.” It’s often extremely emotional for the surrogate as well – she is seeing your faces light up, which is her ultimate reward. Many intended parents later say they cannot think of their baby’s birth without also thinking of the surrogate’s role and feeling immense appreciation and even love for her.
It’s also normal at this point to feel a bit overwhelmed. Becoming a parent in an instant (without the physical lead-up of labor yourself) can be intense. Suddenly you’re holding a newborn and it hits: “I’m a mom/dad now.” That can bring a rush of protectiveness and maybe a touch of anxiety – especially as you consider the immediate tasks like feeding, diapering, soothing. It’s a lot to take in, but rest assured, those parental instincts kick in strongly. Many intended mothers worry “Will it feel different because I didn’t give birth?” and are relieved to find that when the baby cries, their instincts to comfort and nurture are just as fierce and natural. The body and heart know – this is your baby, and the bond is real.
Depending on the hospital and arrangements, you might get a separate room to care for the baby after birth, or you might room-in with the surrogate until discharge. Those first days in the hospital are a whirlwind of learning to feed the baby (bottle or perhaps breastfeeding – yes, with preparation some intended mothers induce lactation to breastfeed), changing diapers, and likely sleeping very little because you can’t stop gazing at this little miracle. You might also still be checking on the surrogate, hoping she is recovering well and feeling okay emotionally. It’s a lot at once – joy for your baby, concern for your surrogate, and trying to absorb the fact that after such a long journey, you are finally parents. americansurrogacy.com
One emotion that might surprise you is a sense of awe at your own perseverance. Holding your baby, you might think back on everything it took to get here – the injections, the losses, the waiting, the paperwork, the leap of faith with a surrogate – and you realize, we made it through. Give yourself credit and allow that pride and happiness to really sink in. You are stronger than you knew, and now you have the sweetest reward imaginable.
When it’s time to leave the hospital, many intended parents feel a mix of euphoria and a touch of bittersweet. Euphoria because you’re going home with your baby! But maybe bittersweet because it means parting ways with your surrogate. Often there’s an emotional goodbye – lots of hugs and promises to stay in touch. Some intended parents worry, “How do I say thank you enough to someone who gave us our child?” The truth is, you probably can’t ever fully repay that gift, but maintaining a relationship, if both sides are open to it, can be a wonderful way to honor it. Even if that relationship is just sending pictures and updates occasionally, it often means a lot to surrogates (and to you) to keep that connection. Many surrogates and intended families remain lifelong friends. In any case, leaving the hospital with your baby is a triumphant moment. You might strap your baby into the car seat and then freak out mildly – “Oh gosh, they’re letting us take a baby, do we know what we’re doing?!” – which is a totally normal new parent feeling. Don’t worry, you’ll figure it out one day (and diaper) at a time.
After Baby Arrives: Gratitude and Moving Forward
Back home (or in your hotel if you had to travel) with your newborn, you enter the next phase of emotions: life as a new parent, with the added layer of reflecting on the surrogacy journey. In the initial weeks and months, you’ll likely be consumed by feeding schedules, snuggles, and adjusting to your baby’s needs. The joy of having your little one at last may periodically swell up and catch you off guard – like rocking your baby at 3 AM and realizing, they’re really here, I’m really a parent now. Those moments are incredibly sweet and validating. Any lingering fear that you wouldn’t bond usually evaporates as you respond to their cries, learn their funny facial expressions, and soothe them with your voice. You’ll realize that, just as many experienced parents told you, the fact that someone else carried them does not diminish your bond in the slightest; this is unquestionably your child, and your love is as fierce as can be.
As you settle in, you might also feel immense gratitude become a permanent part of you. Not that you weren’t grateful before, but now every time you see your child’s smile, you might say a little thank-you in your mind to the universe, to your surrogate, to everyone who helped make this happen. Some parents even keep a photo of the surrogate in the baby’s room or a keepsake from the journey, as a reminder of the extraordinary way their child came into the world. You may decide, as many do, that you will openly share age-appropriate parts of the surrogacy story with your child as they grow, framing the surrogate as a special person who helped Mommy and Daddy bring them into the world out of love. Knowing that this was a positive, loving process will likely be part of your family’s narrative, and that can feel very fulfilling to articulate over time.
It’s also possible to experience some after-effects of stress or trauma once the baby is here safe. Sometimes when we finally reach a goal after a long struggle, we might unexpectedly process some of the pain that we pushed aside before. An intended mother may have a good cry one day not out of sadness for now, but releasing the pent-up sorrow from the years of trying and failing. Or you might find yourself unusually anxious about something happening to the baby – a common feeling for any new parent, but perhaps heightened if you’ve experienced loss before. These feelings are normal; if they become overwhelming, don’t hesitate to reach out to a counselor or support group. Postpartum emotions aren’t exclusive to birth mothers – new parents via surrogacy can also ride an emotional wave after the baby arrives. Give yourself space to feel whatever comes, and focus on the positive present.
Another emotion you might encounter is a strong sense of advocacy or wanting to help others. Having been through surrogacy, many intended parents feel inspired to support other couples going through infertility or to speak out and normalize surrogacy. You might feel proud telling your story to those who ask (or writing a blog, or participating in an online forum). There can be a sense of camaraderie with others who understand what you went through. On the flip side, you might also feel protective of your family’s story – not wanting to share details with everyone, and that’s perfectly fine too. Some may ask insensitive questions like, “Whose sperm/egg was it?” or “Is the surrogate going to be in the baby’s life?” etc. You’ll get comfortable answering or deflecting as needed. Over time, you’ll find that for most people in your daily life, the fact that your child was born via surrogate becomes just one aspect of their history, not a constant topic. You get to just be Mom or Dad, which is likely all you ever wanted.
Looking back on the journey, many intended parents feel a sense of amazement and completeness. It might strike you at odd times – perhaps on your baby’s first birthday, you’ll remember where you were a couple of years ago and be overwhelmed with gratitude and pride at how far you’ve come. Some intended parents even decide to go through surrogacy again for a sibling, braving the rollercoaster a second time now that they know the tremendous payoff at the end. Others feel that one epic journey was enough, and that’s completely valid too! However your path continues, the experience of surrogacy will likely have changed you. You might find you’re more patient now, or more resilient, or that you sweat the small stuff less because you know what truly matters. Holding your baby in your arms, you understand in your core that every tear, every dollar, every sleepless night of worry was worth it.
In the end, the emotional journey of intended parents through surrogacy is one of hope triumphing over despair. You carried hope in your heart even when things were dark, and that hope – combined with the generosity of your surrogate – led you to the bright day where you hold your child. It’s a journey of learning to trust, of finding strength in vulnerability, and of witnessing the incredible good that can come from the kindness of others. As you cuddle your little one, you might whisper the words you’ve wanted to say forever: “We love you so much, and we’re so happy you’re here.” And maybe, just maybe, you’ll also whisper a “thank you” – to everyone who helped make this moment possible, and to yourself for never giving up. This is the emotional journey of intended parents: a testament that with love, support, and perseverance, the most cherished dreams can and do come true.
For more information on becoming a surrogate, please reach out to us at info@storkconnections.com or directly to 619.324.9574. We're here to support you every step of the way.
Warm Regards,
Tonya Zlock
Founder, Stork Connections LLC
